I have come to a painful realization, and no, it's not that sex and all things sex related are nice. Everyone knew that already, and I didn't need my Lent to drive that point home. Rather, I am wondering if there is connection between general socializing, and a desire for sex.
If my good friend Freud was still around, he would probably say of course there is a connection, but he could watch paint dry and tie it to sex, so you gotta take his stuff with a grain of salt. In any case, I was wondering why, recently, I went from being quite gregarious, to being content sitting off to the side of a social situation, with no interest in joining.
Don't get me wrong, I have always had issues socializing, but this is to a new level. Even with my closest friends, I find myself less engaged in conversation, and even worse, less and less concerned with the knowledge of my social regressions. This has led me to wonder:
Are all human interactions, even those that are completely devoid of sex, somehow driven by sex? Or is it just me?
When I think about it, it seems like the only logical explanation for my recent withdraw. Perhaps the only reason I talked to anyone, or went out to see people, or generally led a healthy social life, was to facilitate sex. It's a scary thought, but I'm almost positive there is some truth to it. Maybe it's not as true for girls as it is for guys, but I would bet that if sex was eliminated from another man's life, he would socialize less as well, even in non-sexual situations.
In other news, its Day 31, and as you can tell by this entry, I am beginning to wither away. It's not graceful, I'm cranky, and I don't care. Nine days left.
Friday, March 23, 2007
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Day 26
Greetings faithful readers, although my pluralization of the word 'reader' is taking a bit of dramatic license, I fear. Anyways, I am back from Hawaii, and now, back in Davis, while I try to find a taker for my apartment.
Hawaii was like being locked up in a convent for a week. Sure there were good looking people around (Hawaiian people are very hot), but there was no use even thinking of doing anything. I didn't know any of them, and I was with my family 24/7, which precluded any romantic rendezvous on beaches, etc. So this meant no sexual outlet whatsoever for the past 10 days, which was more difficult than normal. When I'm at Davis, I can at least use inneundo to quench my thirst in this desert of chastity. Hawaii, I had no such luck. No one of the opposite sex to talk to except my mother and my sister, and no, I'm not THAT white.
There was no one with whom I wanted to have sex, so that made that part pretty easy. But there was also no way to release tension by flirting/interacting with girls, so that made the masturbation part much harder. Overall, I'm feeling pretty weak with this whole thing. I'm almost 75% done, but I don't think I've ever wanted stuff this much in my life. Not to mention I feel lethargic, and get crankier easier. Sigh.
The upside of all this is that it has caused me to seriously re-evaluate my life. I mentioned earlier that I was going to be nicer, and less of a crazy partying maniac. More than that, however, I've decided I think I'm ready to settle down again. A lot of my home friends have significant others, and I am noticeably single whenever we get together and hang out. Also, I feel like my calmer self is better suited to a relationship, and that my mind won't wander as much as it has in the past. Maybe it's the movies I've been watching lately (Wedding Crashers, Liar Liar, both the same night), that suggest that life is more fulfilling when notoriously single/asshole men settle with someone, or focus on their family.
Of course, I could just be making that up in my head to distract myself from the fact that I havn't gotten anything in forever. Only 14 days left. 2 weeks. I hope I can avoid temptation, because I seriously doubt my ability to overcome it.
Hawaii was like being locked up in a convent for a week. Sure there were good looking people around (Hawaiian people are very hot), but there was no use even thinking of doing anything. I didn't know any of them, and I was with my family 24/7, which precluded any romantic rendezvous on beaches, etc. So this meant no sexual outlet whatsoever for the past 10 days, which was more difficult than normal. When I'm at Davis, I can at least use inneundo to quench my thirst in this desert of chastity. Hawaii, I had no such luck. No one of the opposite sex to talk to except my mother and my sister, and no, I'm not THAT white.
There was no one with whom I wanted to have sex, so that made that part pretty easy. But there was also no way to release tension by flirting/interacting with girls, so that made the masturbation part much harder. Overall, I'm feeling pretty weak with this whole thing. I'm almost 75% done, but I don't think I've ever wanted stuff this much in my life. Not to mention I feel lethargic, and get crankier easier. Sigh.
The upside of all this is that it has caused me to seriously re-evaluate my life. I mentioned earlier that I was going to be nicer, and less of a crazy partying maniac. More than that, however, I've decided I think I'm ready to settle down again. A lot of my home friends have significant others, and I am noticeably single whenever we get together and hang out. Also, I feel like my calmer self is better suited to a relationship, and that my mind won't wander as much as it has in the past. Maybe it's the movies I've been watching lately (Wedding Crashers, Liar Liar, both the same night), that suggest that life is more fulfilling when notoriously single/asshole men settle with someone, or focus on their family.
Of course, I could just be making that up in my head to distract myself from the fact that I havn't gotten anything in forever. Only 14 days left. 2 weeks. I hope I can avoid temptation, because I seriously doubt my ability to overcome it.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Day 18
After an eventful weekend last week, fate intervened and got me very sick, starting at around Thursday night. This meant that I didn't drink when we out on Thursday (perhaps a first), and left early to go sleep. Also, instead of staying in Davis on Friday and/or Saturday to party, I went back to Oakland to get better. That's as ascetic as I get.
It is Saturday night, and tomorrow morning I catch a plane to Hawaii with my family, which could be a mixed blessing for this lent thing. One might think, Hawaii, beaches, scantily clad women, etc, but I doubt it will be like that. First of all, I'm with my family, and I don't exactly party it up when they are around. I tend to go on nature walks, read books, and things like that. Exciting stuff. Also, anyone who is familiar with my complexion has undoubtedly jumped the very correct conclusion that I spend no time on beaches. In fact, I avoid them like the Warriors avoid the playoffs. Lastly, the major hurdle in this endeavor has been resisting competilent girls, and Hawaii has absolutely none of those. Outlook is rosy.
On a more serious note, there has been a major rewarding development in my struggle for chastity. In the previous few months, I lived like I didn't give a shit about anything or anyone. I drank on Tuesday nights, made it a personal goal to homewreck certain relationships, and basically was just a horrible person overall. If the road to hell has a speed limit, pull me over. The good news about Lent is that it made me stop these activities long enough to glance in horror at what I've become. I used to be a 'nice guy,' the kind who was a friend to everyone, gave sound, safe advice, and was respected by all. Sometime in the past year or so, that all changed. I started partying all the time; I took sick pleasure in manipulating people and relationships, just for the power rush it gave me; I violated people's trust, routinely. Back in sophomore year, when I was at my anti-social, nice-guy peak, I always thought it would be cool to become what I am now. It seemed like fun. Well now I'm here, and all I want to do is go back. So thank you Lent, for slapping me upside the head with some respect, dignity, loyalty, and all around good-vibes.
I have spent the past few days trying to mend fences, and it feels good. I can't totally eliminate the crazy part of me, but here's to the attempt.
I'll be back in town on Day 25, a solid 62.5% into this thing, and feeling good. Although pretty antsy. I will have my laptop in Hawaii in case anything goes down.
It is Saturday night, and tomorrow morning I catch a plane to Hawaii with my family, which could be a mixed blessing for this lent thing. One might think, Hawaii, beaches, scantily clad women, etc, but I doubt it will be like that. First of all, I'm with my family, and I don't exactly party it up when they are around. I tend to go on nature walks, read books, and things like that. Exciting stuff. Also, anyone who is familiar with my complexion has undoubtedly jumped the very correct conclusion that I spend no time on beaches. In fact, I avoid them like the Warriors avoid the playoffs. Lastly, the major hurdle in this endeavor has been resisting competilent girls, and Hawaii has absolutely none of those. Outlook is rosy.
On a more serious note, there has been a major rewarding development in my struggle for chastity. In the previous few months, I lived like I didn't give a shit about anything or anyone. I drank on Tuesday nights, made it a personal goal to homewreck certain relationships, and basically was just a horrible person overall. If the road to hell has a speed limit, pull me over. The good news about Lent is that it made me stop these activities long enough to glance in horror at what I've become. I used to be a 'nice guy,' the kind who was a friend to everyone, gave sound, safe advice, and was respected by all. Sometime in the past year or so, that all changed. I started partying all the time; I took sick pleasure in manipulating people and relationships, just for the power rush it gave me; I violated people's trust, routinely. Back in sophomore year, when I was at my anti-social, nice-guy peak, I always thought it would be cool to become what I am now. It seemed like fun. Well now I'm here, and all I want to do is go back. So thank you Lent, for slapping me upside the head with some respect, dignity, loyalty, and all around good-vibes.
I have spent the past few days trying to mend fences, and it feels good. I can't totally eliminate the crazy part of me, but here's to the attempt.
I'll be back in town on Day 25, a solid 62.5% into this thing, and feeling good. Although pretty antsy. I will have my laptop in Hawaii in case anything goes down.
Sunday, March 4, 2007
Day 12
The weekend has come and gone, and I am not posting until now simply because I have been insanely busy. Not that kind of busy, but occupied.
The first event on Friday was a pimp and ho party. The organizers emphasized that guys should dress and hos, and girls as pimps, but I ain't no ho, so I just went to socialize. There were a few girls dressed as hos, and 2 in particular that made me think un-Lent-worthy thoughts. "Jessie" (mentioned in Day 3), and "Michelle" were both dressed like hos, and umm, let's just say that they looked good. I left early, partly to stop staring at those two, but mostly because I had somewhere else to go.
Later on Friday night was a friend's birthday party. It began slowly, but ended quite out of control, which was bad news for me and my Lent. I was going back to the cooler of jungle juice early and often, so by the time the party was relatively full, I was relatively gone. Anyone who knows Close family, knows that everyone is pretty horny, and that family certainly proved it that evening. I had been good up to a point (some dancing, flirting, nothing else), but then all of a sudden there were 8 tipsy members of the aforementioned 'family' in the same room, with the door closed. My memory of the event is a bit hazy, but I got bitten. Hard. It's been two days, and I have some serious bruises. Now some might say, that's it, I lost, since 'biting' is clearly outlined as a forbidden activity. But as I recall, these were more of the vicious type, rather than the playful loving bite that I was alluding to when Lent started. A few people, most notably "Hannah" and "Allison" inflicted some pretty serious pain, but it was not sexual, so I was still good. "Pam," from a previous entry, was kissing a few people, but I managed to steer clear of her for the most part. The party got broken up by police, and as one of the only white people, I went had a chat with the officer, and headed out once he agreed to hand out only a warning. Allison was too drunk to drive, so I drove her to my house, and she passed out here. I was a bit buzzed as well, so resisting temptation when we were both in my room was nearly impossible. I survived.
And then, after 2 hours of sleep, it was time for our Sectional conference. There were absolutely no threats to Lent during the conference. It was a nice relief from the night before, although I was sporting a mark on my neck that indicated the previous evening's activities were not entirely kosher. But as a reminder, I fought it off, so I am still going. In any case, after banquet there was a get together at someone's house. A lot of the fun people were there, Jessie, Pam, Nicole (from previous entries), and a new threat, "Fran," who, although I don't see her often, and she isn't exactly single, is pretty damn hot. We spent the evening finishing off the jungle juice from the previous night, and I was tipsy again. A somewhat competilent girl gave me a ride home, but I made it safely to my room.
After being awake for 39 of the previous 41 hours, I took the opportunity Sunday presented to me to sleep late, and rolled out of bed at 6pm. Another weekend in the bag.
I am starting to hate this.
The first event on Friday was a pimp and ho party. The organizers emphasized that guys should dress and hos, and girls as pimps, but I ain't no ho, so I just went to socialize. There were a few girls dressed as hos, and 2 in particular that made me think un-Lent-worthy thoughts. "Jessie" (mentioned in Day 3), and "Michelle" were both dressed like hos, and umm, let's just say that they looked good. I left early, partly to stop staring at those two, but mostly because I had somewhere else to go.
Later on Friday night was a friend's birthday party. It began slowly, but ended quite out of control, which was bad news for me and my Lent. I was going back to the cooler of jungle juice early and often, so by the time the party was relatively full, I was relatively gone. Anyone who knows Close family, knows that everyone is pretty horny, and that family certainly proved it that evening. I had been good up to a point (some dancing, flirting, nothing else), but then all of a sudden there were 8 tipsy members of the aforementioned 'family' in the same room, with the door closed. My memory of the event is a bit hazy, but I got bitten. Hard. It's been two days, and I have some serious bruises. Now some might say, that's it, I lost, since 'biting' is clearly outlined as a forbidden activity. But as I recall, these were more of the vicious type, rather than the playful loving bite that I was alluding to when Lent started. A few people, most notably "Hannah" and "Allison" inflicted some pretty serious pain, but it was not sexual, so I was still good. "Pam," from a previous entry, was kissing a few people, but I managed to steer clear of her for the most part. The party got broken up by police, and as one of the only white people, I went had a chat with the officer, and headed out once he agreed to hand out only a warning. Allison was too drunk to drive, so I drove her to my house, and she passed out here. I was a bit buzzed as well, so resisting temptation when we were both in my room was nearly impossible. I survived.
And then, after 2 hours of sleep, it was time for our Sectional conference. There were absolutely no threats to Lent during the conference. It was a nice relief from the night before, although I was sporting a mark on my neck that indicated the previous evening's activities were not entirely kosher. But as a reminder, I fought it off, so I am still going. In any case, after banquet there was a get together at someone's house. A lot of the fun people were there, Jessie, Pam, Nicole (from previous entries), and a new threat, "Fran," who, although I don't see her often, and she isn't exactly single, is pretty damn hot. We spent the evening finishing off the jungle juice from the previous night, and I was tipsy again. A somewhat competilent girl gave me a ride home, but I made it safely to my room.
After being awake for 39 of the previous 41 hours, I took the opportunity Sunday presented to me to sleep late, and rolled out of bed at 6pm. Another weekend in the bag.
I am starting to hate this.
Friday, March 2, 2007
Day 10
We are coming up on Friday evening, and I have been a model of chastity all week. Amazingly enough, I am 25% done with this thing, and I'm still feeling good. Sure just about everything makes me think about sex (the gable on that house looks sort of like a phallus...that green traffic light is so...sensual), but I have not been in any dangerous situations.
With that said. Tonight might be a problem. I just got my LSAT scores back today, and that pretty much determined what course my life will follow over the next few years. As a result, I have committed to getting absolutely plastered tonight. I'm talking wish-I-was-never-born, where-the-fuck-am-I, turning to the lampshade I'm hugging and saying "maybe I'll call you sometime" drunk. I suggest you be there. Obviously, this will pose a problem with the whole Lent thing. If my inhibitions are down (they will be fucking subterranean), I am much more susceptable to break Lent, especially since tonight's party will be full of competilent girls.
The one thing I have going for me is that I have not shaved in a week, which makes me look half wolf, half homeless man. Maybe that will save me. See you tonight.
With that said. Tonight might be a problem. I just got my LSAT scores back today, and that pretty much determined what course my life will follow over the next few years. As a result, I have committed to getting absolutely plastered tonight. I'm talking wish-I-was-never-born, where-the-fuck-am-I, turning to the lampshade I'm hugging and saying "maybe I'll call you sometime" drunk. I suggest you be there. Obviously, this will pose a problem with the whole Lent thing. If my inhibitions are down (they will be fucking subterranean), I am much more susceptable to break Lent, especially since tonight's party will be full of competilent girls.
The one thing I have going for me is that I have not shaved in a week, which makes me look half wolf, half homeless man. Maybe that will save me. See you tonight.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)