chaste for lent

Day 36

2007-04-03T16:49:00.000-07:00

Somehow I got off on my day counts. It may have been in Hawaii, who knows. I wasn't thinking straight on a lot of things, but can you blame me? In any case, Easter is this Sunday, and Christians the world over will remember how Christ rose from the dead. This Jew, on the other hand, will do no such thing. I will think about other things rising *symbols crash* I'll be here all week.

But really, I have a sad confession. Despite the facial hair, soft spoken demeanor, Jewish background, and passion for carpentry, I'm no Jesus. I broke Lent. I apologize. I was unable to go 40 days. The details of when and how I broke it will remain confidential, but know that I at least had the decency to break it with a person, and not with my left hand.

So that's all folks. I am not the Messiah. In fact, I'm unable to even identify with him by depriving myself of a vice for six short weeks. But all it not lost. The mere undertaking of this endeavor proved to be more of a journey of self-discovery than I thought it would be. It also taught me a lot about women. And as my dad likes to say whenever I am struggling and need some sympathy from my parents: "suffering is good for the soul." I'm looking forward to 11 months of uninhibited hedonism, before my life spins out of control and I consider tackling this Lent monster again next year.

Peace.

Day 31

2007-03-23T01:11:00.000-07:00

I have come to a painful realization, and no, it's not that sex and all things sex related are nice. Everyone knew that already, and I didn't need my Lent to drive that point home. Rather, I am wondering if there is connection between general socializing, and a desire for sex.

If my good friend Freud was still around, he would probably say of course there is a connection, but he could watch paint dry and tie it to sex, so you gotta take his stuff with a grain of salt. In any case, I was wondering why, recently, I went from being quite gregarious, to being content sitting off to the side of a social situation, with no interest in joining.

Don't get me wrong, I have always had issues socializing, but this is to a new level. Even with my closest friends, I find myself less engaged in conversation, and even worse, less and less concerned with the knowledge of my social regressions. This has led me to wonder:

Are all human interactions, even those that are completely devoid of sex, somehow driven by sex? Or is it just me?

When I think about it, it seems like the only logical explanation for my recent withdraw. Perhaps the only reason I talked to anyone, or went out to see people, or generally led a healthy social life, was to facilitate sex. It's a scary thought, but I'm almost positive there is some truth to it. Maybe it's not as true for girls as it is for guys, but I would bet that if sex was eliminated from another man's life, he would socialize less as well, even in non-sexual situations.

In other news, its Day 31, and as you can tell by this entry, I am beginning to wither away. It's not graceful, I'm cranky, and I don't care. Nine days left.

Day 26

2007-03-18T18:18:00.000-07:00

Greetings faithful readers, although my pluralization of the word 'reader' is taking a bit of dramatic license, I fear. Anyways, I am back from Hawaii, and now, back in Davis, while I try to find a taker for my apartment.

Hawaii was like being locked up in a convent for a week. Sure there were good looking people around (Hawaiian people are very hot), but there was no use even thinking of doing anything. I didn't know any of them, and I was with my family 24/7, which precluded any romantic rendezvous on beaches, etc. So this meant no sexual outlet whatsoever for the past 10 days, which was more difficult than normal. When I'm at Davis, I can at least use inneundo to quench my thirst in this desert of chastity. Hawaii, I had no such luck. No one of the opposite sex to talk to except my mother and my sister, and no, I'm not THAT white.

There was no one with whom I wanted to have sex, so that made that part pretty easy. But there was also no way to release tension by flirting/interacting with girls, so that made the masturbation part much harder. Overall, I'm feeling pretty weak with this whole thing. I'm almost 75% done, but I don't think I've ever wanted stuff this much in my life. Not to mention I feel lethargic, and get crankier easier. Sigh.

The upside of all this is that it has caused me to seriously re-evaluate my life. I mentioned earlier that I was going to be nicer, and less of a crazy partying maniac. More than that, however, I've decided I think I'm ready to settle down again. A lot of my home friends have significant others, and I am noticeably single whenever we get together and hang out. Also, I feel like my calmer self is better suited to a relationship, and that my mind won't wander as much as it has in the past. Maybe it's the movies I've been watching lately (Wedding Crashers, Liar Liar, both the same night), that suggest that life is more fulfilling when notoriously single/asshole men settle with someone, or focus on their family.

Of course, I could just be making that up in my head to distract myself from the fact that I havn't gotten anything in forever. Only 14 days left. 2 weeks. I hope I can avoid temptation, because I seriously doubt my ability to overcome it.

Day 18

2007-03-10T23:41:00.000-08:00

After an eventful weekend last week, fate intervened and got me very sick, starting at around Thursday night. This meant that I didn't drink when we out on Thursday (perhaps a first), and left early to go sleep. Also, instead of staying in Davis on Friday and/or Saturday to party, I went back to Oakland to get better. That's as ascetic as I get.

It is Saturday night, and tomorrow morning I catch a plane to Hawaii with my family, which could be a mixed blessing for this lent thing. One might think, Hawaii, beaches, scantily clad women, etc, but I doubt it will be like that. First of all, I'm with my family, and I don't exactly party it up when they are around. I tend to go on nature walks, read books, and things like that. Exciting stuff. Also, anyone who is familiar with my complexion has undoubtedly jumped the very correct conclusion that I spend no time on beaches. In fact, I avoid them like the Warriors avoid the playoffs. Lastly, the major hurdle in this endeavor has been resisting competilent girls, and Hawaii has absolutely none of those. Outlook is rosy.

On a more serious note, there has been a major rewarding development in my struggle for chastity. In the previous few months, I lived like I didn't give a shit about anything or anyone. I drank on Tuesday nights, made it a personal goal to homewreck certain relationships, and basically was just a horrible person overall. If the road to hell has a speed limit, pull me over. The good news about Lent is that it made me stop these activities long enough to glance in horror at what I've become. I used to be a 'nice guy,' the kind who was a friend to everyone, gave sound, safe advice, and was respected by all. Sometime in the past year or so, that all changed. I started partying all the time; I took sick pleasure in manipulating people and relationships, just for the power rush it gave me; I violated people's trust, routinely. Back in sophomore year, when I was at my anti-social, nice-guy peak, I always thought it would be cool to become what I am now. It seemed like fun. Well now I'm here, and all I want to do is go back. So thank you Lent, for slapping me upside the head with some respect, dignity, loyalty, and all around good-vibes.

I have spent the past few days trying to mend fences, and it feels good. I can't totally eliminate the crazy part of me, but here's to the attempt.

I'll be back in town on Day 25, a solid 62.5% into this thing, and feeling good. Although pretty antsy. I will have my laptop in Hawaii in case anything goes down.

Day 12

2007-03-04T23:45:00.000-08:00

The weekend has come and gone, and I am not posting until now simply because I have been insanely busy. Not that kind of busy, but occupied.

The first event on Friday was a pimp and ho party. The organizers emphasized that guys should dress and hos, and girls as pimps, but I ain't no ho, so I just went to socialize. There were a few girls dressed as hos, and 2 in particular that made me think un-Lent-worthy thoughts. "Jessie" (mentioned in Day 3), and "Michelle" were both dressed like hos, and umm, let's just say that they looked good. I left early, partly to stop staring at those two, but mostly because I had somewhere else to go.

Later on Friday night was a friend's birthday party. It began slowly, but ended quite out of control, which was bad news for me and my Lent. I was going back to the cooler of jungle juice early and often, so by the time the party was relatively full, I was relatively gone. Anyone who knows Close family, knows that everyone is pretty horny, and that family certainly proved it that evening. I had been good up to a point (some dancing, flirting, nothing else), but then all of a sudden there were 8 tipsy members of the aforementioned 'family' in the same room, with the door closed. My memory of the event is a bit hazy, but I got bitten. Hard. It's been two days, and I have some serious bruises. Now some might say, that's it, I lost, since 'biting' is clearly outlined as a forbidden activity. But as I recall, these were more of the vicious type, rather than the playful loving bite that I was alluding to when Lent started. A few people, most notably "Hannah" and "Allison" inflicted some pretty serious pain, but it was not sexual, so I was still good. "Pam," from a previous entry, was kissing a few people, but I managed to steer clear of her for the most part. The party got broken up by police, and as one of the only white people, I went had a chat with the officer, and headed out once he agreed to hand out only a warning. Allison was too drunk to drive, so I drove her to my house, and she passed out here. I was a bit buzzed as well, so resisting temptation when we were both in my room was nearly impossible. I survived.

And then, after 2 hours of sleep, it was time for our Sectional conference. There were absolutely no threats to Lent during the conference. It was a nice relief from the night before, although I was sporting a mark on my neck that indicated the previous evening's activities were not entirely kosher. But as a reminder, I fought it off, so I am still going. In any case, after banquet there was a get together at someone's house. A lot of the fun people were there, Jessie, Pam, Nicole (from previous entries), and a new threat, "Fran," who, although I don't see her often, and she isn't exactly single, is pretty damn hot. We spent the evening finishing off the jungle juice from the previous night, and I was tipsy again. A somewhat competilent girl gave me a ride home, but I made it safely to my room.

After being awake for 39 of the previous 41 hours, I took the opportunity Sunday presented to me to sleep late, and rolled out of bed at 6pm. Another weekend in the bag.

I am starting to hate this.

Day 10

2007-03-02T15:57:00.000-08:00

We are coming up on Friday evening, and I have been a model of chastity all week. Amazingly enough, I am 25% done with this thing, and I'm still feeling good. Sure just about everything makes me think about sex (the gable on that house looks sort of like a phallus...that green traffic light is so...sensual), but I have not been in any dangerous situations.

With that said. Tonight might be a problem. I just got my LSAT scores back today, and that pretty much determined what course my life will follow over the next few years. As a result, I have committed to getting absolutely plastered tonight. I'm talking wish-I-was-never-born, where-the-fuck-am-I, turning to the lampshade I'm hugging and saying "maybe I'll call you sometime" drunk. I suggest you be there. Obviously, this will pose a problem with the whole Lent thing. If my inhibitions are down (they will be fucking subterranean), I am much more susceptable to break Lent, especially since tonight's party will be full of competilent girls.

The one thing I have going for me is that I have not shaved in a week, which makes me look half wolf, half homeless man. Maybe that will save me. See you tonight.

Day 6/New Policy

2007-02-26T13:44:00.000-08:00

I have decided that posting every day, including boring ones, is boring to write, and boring to read. Therefore, I will now only post when there is something worth posting. For example, very close calls, strong desires to kill myself, etc. Stay tuned this weekend.

Day 5

2007-02-25T23:19:00.000-08:00

The fifth day of this adventure is just about over, and you know what that means. I am officially 12.5% done with this! Why does it feel like I've been at it for much longer? Ugh. Yesterday night I was fortunate enough to escape the confines of Davis, and sure enough, Lent was a lot easier to keep when there were not competilent (see previous entry for definition) girls around. The girls I was with were certainly dressed scandalously, sort of like a Playboy party, except on a cold night in San Francisco (who knows why), but all that did is put sex on the brain, not tempt me into anything. I would never hook up with any of them (and one is married), so I was in the clear the entire night.

I woke up this morning with a stiff reminder of what I am trying to do, but just stayed in the house until it was time for the first pledge meeting of the new term. I stayed on the active side of the room, so I made sure I didn't get wandering eyes across the various new members. Then I went straight home afterwards, not to avoid a potential situation, but because I wasn't feeling well. Overall, an uneventful 5th day. The urges are becoming stronger, but so is my resolve, bitch.

Day 4

2007-02-24T16:05:00.000-08:00

It is the afternoon of day 4, and I thought I'd check in with a quick update. Remember the clear forecast posted late last night/early this morning? Yeah, forget that. This is perhaps the greatest test of will power I have ever been subjected to. I suppose that speaks to how pathetic my life has been up to this point, but so be it.

Luckily, I am removing myself from the dangerous confines of Davis this evening. My old roommates (female) came to visit today, and we are going clubbing in San Francisco tonight. My roommates are hot, and clubbing in San Francisco could certainly be called a 'target-rich environment' (especially if I'm tipsy...everyone's hot!), but I think this will be better for me than staying in Davis. I've touched on this before, but now I am inventing a word for it. Competilent. Davis has girls who are competilent. That is, girls who are aware of what I am trying to do (Lent), and as a result get their competitive juices flowing to a point where they will test me more than they would otherwise. If you glance over last night's entry, Jessie and Casey were both being competilent. The advantage of San Francisco is that hopefully, no one will be that way.

So assuming tonight goes well, I'll be back in Davis at the start of week, with smooth sailing until maybe Wednesday or Thursday. I might make it a week!

Day 3

2007-02-24T05:12:00.000-08:00

I have taken the habit of posting at the conclusion of the day indicated in the title. So although it is now Saturday morning, Day 4, this post will reflect on Day 3, which has now come to a close. In the wake of Day 2's activities, I decided I needed a change in tactics. It would be nigh impossible to go out and party every night like normal, if I expect to keep this up. If I was to allow situations to simply progress to my stated threshold of the "grandmother rule" (see subtitle), then I am bound to slip up, or lack the self control to say no 100% of the time.

So I have a new plan. I will still go out and socialize like normal, but I will cut back on the quality of partying, if not the quantity. I think it would be wise for me to stop after a few drinks, instead of trying to get to the point where I will do something stupid, which was the previous modus operandi. So although Friday was uneventful while the sun was up (with the exception of the requisite desire to break this vow in the privacy of my room...I kept busy by cleaning), things became more interesting the later it got.

In keeping with my new plan, I was hoping for a house party, somewhere I could relax on a couch with a few beers, and move at my own pace. Sadly, after frantically searching for one for well over an hour, I resigned myself to another night on the town, or the village, as the case may be with Davis. Cafe Bernardos, then Cantinas, una vez mas, sigh. We had a slightly different group this time, so that made it new, and I mixed up the beverages a little. After spilling most of my wiki, I went with an Irish car bomb, which was a pleasant change, but not enough to do anything for me.

I did not have much at Cantina's either, as I was determined to party, but not as hard as usual. I succeeded, but as expected, certain people were out to ruin my chastity. It's interesting, because these people would probably not be trying nearly as hard were it not for this commitment to Lent, but that brings out the competitive spirit in everyone I suppose. "Jessie" and "Casey" have both confided in me that they have never wanted to hook up with someone, and not been able to get that person. Side note, is that really what its like to be a girl? You can just get anyone you want? Insane. Anyways, they were/are not big fans of this Lent project, if only because it means even if they wanted to (I don't think they do), they wouldn't be able to get someone. After a few minutes of cirque de soleil-worthy gyrations on the dance floor, they realized I was not going to crack, and moved on with their life. Go me.

All is still well, and I'm getting more accustomed to this no masturbation thing. The outlook is sunny. My old roommates come into town tomorrow, so I should be in the clear for a couple days!

Day 2

2007-02-23T02:26:00.000-08:00

So on February 22nd, before I went out that night, (technically day 2, since it's now 2am on day 3), I was thinking of a few topics I wanted to tackle in the latest post. Last night, I was eating a delicious dinner at Alhambra Apartments, when someone who I shall call "Nicole" asked me how I would handle temptation. Specifically, she said "what are you going to do if someone intentionally tries to make you break it?" Well first of all, I would enjoy myself, because any attempt by anyone to break this Lent is sure to be entertaining. The difficult part will be stopping this person just short of the threshold I have set for myself, outlined at the top of this blog. As fate would have it, I was about 24 hours away from my first real test.

But before I get to that, I'd like to review my mindset at the moment. All is well, except the desire to do things (masturbate, mostly) is magnified by the fact that I am unable to do it. I sometimes think, "c'mon, no one would know," but that's not true, because I would know, and I'd be letting myself down. And besides, not even making it a week would be just pathetic. In other news, I took a nap today from 3pm-5pm, and had my first legitimate sex dream of Lent. It wasn't with anyone in particular, more of a random person, but that I had it so early on in this process is a bit disconcerting.

However, let's move on to the good news. Tonight I looked temptation in the eye, and made that bitch blink. To begin, let's lay the scene. It's a Thursday evening in Davis, which means I am going to Cafe Bernardo's and then Cantina's. Bernardos was innocent enough, I just knocked back a few wikis, which does nothing for me anymore, and then went to Cantina's. Cantina's is where the trouble started. Now let's lay out the evening's characters. First is "Sarah," someone who I always found very attractive, and was friendly with, but nothing more. Next, is "Emma," who I am very good friends with, and sometimes hook up with when I'm drunk, even though I wouldn't call her 'hot,' per se. Lastly, "Pam," is someone who I always thought was hot, but never thought of doing anything with.

Sarah was nothing. Had I not been on Lent, I might have pursued more vigorously, but as it stood, I was content to hang out with her, chat briefly, and leave it at that. Emma was slightly more intriguing, but still did not push me very hard. She was drunk beyond belief, and I was a bit buzzed, so we danced for a little while, briefly brought up how my vow of abstinence precluded our doing anything, and called it a night. The real trouble came with Pam. Pam and I have been good friends for a long time, but became better friends recently. She knows about what I am doing for lent, and mentioned several times during the night that it sucked that I was doing that. For one reason or another we had never done anything before, but tonight she tried stuff. Lots of stuff. In all fairness, she was quite drunk, and I was reasonably buzzed, but yes, Pam brought the first serious challenge to my chastity. Whenever the two of us were alone, she made deliberate attempts to "move in," at several differnent locations, and fighting these off was significantly harder than taking the LSAT two weeks ago.

I survived. Barely. And perhaps the hardest part was coming home and not taking care of things myself. Fuck. I hate my life.

Day 1

2007-02-21T16:24:00.000-08:00

Well, I've now put down over 16 hours, with no problems at all. Of course it helped that I was asleep for 12 of those 16 hours, but nonetheless, I'm feeling confident. I think the first minor test will come tonight, at Sudwerks. If I get buzzed, and certain other people get buzzed, this thing might come to a mercifully quick conclusion. I'm pretty sure I can be good, though.

I was also considering some options to make things easier on myself. One such option would be to just stop shaving. I can look very homeless, very quickly, when I don't shave at least twice a week, and I'm getting to that stage already. Keeping my facial hair unruly and unattractive would make it that much easier to avoid slipping up in this endeavor, but part of me feels like that's cheating. I should be able to handle this with a clean-shaven face, and no help from the Jewish hair follicles. Feel free to let me know how you feel about this.

So far there have been no urges, no potentially compromising situations, and no close calls. I am a paragon of virtue and chastity. See you at Sudwerks tonight.

It Begins

2007-02-20T23:41:00.000-08:00

Hello folks. First let me clarify that I am, in fact, Jewish (technically), and it was my people who killed Christ, as your priest will no doubt remind you in the coming days. However, the idea of lent has always struck me as something very worthwhile, so this year I decided to jump in. I believe the purpose of lent (and I could be way off, since the only religious buildings I ever patronize are heathen synogogues) is to give up a major vice. And perhaps you are saying "oh please, this has been done in a movie before." Correct, it has, but so what. My thinking was that sex, or the idea of sex and all things sexual, colors my life pretty deeply. That doesn't mean I want to fuck everything (far from it), but "hooking up" and "getting a girl" is never far from my mind, as I'm sure is the case for anyone with a penis.

So in recent months, say the past 6-8 or so, I have lost almost all self-control with respect to sex (sex in the broad sense, not intercourse). This endeavor, therefore, is an attempt to assert control over myself and my surroundings. I would also like to see how certain relationships of mine function when sex is taken out of the equation. In any case, it will be fun to watch, and hopefully not too frustrating, at least for the first six hours or so.

This blog will chart my progress. Whatever I'm feeling or thinking, whatever close calls I had that day, and anything else related to this horribly misguided undertaking, will be posted. If something is even the slightest bit embarrassing to someone other than myself, that person's name will be changed for the purposes of this blog. I will update at least daily whenever possible. Have a satisfying Lent everyone. Lord knows I won't.